I'm not the best writer and my spelling/grammar might suck as I'm European ;) so sorry for that. But here goes our story:

When I met my boyfriend I knew at some point I wanted to have children with him. We talked about it a few times but back then, about 8 years ago, he didn't know if he wanted any or not. So that kinda hurt for me. A few years later we bought our first house together. We had a spare room, It was our clutter room and my workout space. I was working out when my boyfriend came in. I brought up the convo again. I asked what we're planning for this room to become. By surprise he said we'll the next step for us, after buying a house, is kids. I didn't know what to say. This was sometime in early 2017. We decided on a date on when to start but month after month there was no pregnancy on the horizon. Month after month I got my period and negative pregnancy test. We hit the one-year mark of trying. I cried every month.

I took ovulation tests so I thought it would be alright.

September 2018. We went to the doctor. He said to have us both checked. So we did. All seemed fine on my part. My partner had his semen checked but this came in as a negative. There was no sperm. He had it checked twice. Both times came in negative. So our doctor recommended the fertility hospital which we did. There the doctor said to have surgery done to see if there was any sperm. And we might do ICSI from thereon.

The day the surgery came. We both felt normal like nothing special was happening. Not thinking of good or bad news. I had breakfast, he couldn't. We drove to the hospital, well a family member brought us as I can't drive and my boyfriend wouldn't be able to drive after the surgery. We then sat in a room with another. They were here for the same reason as us.

That man went to surgery first. About 20 mins later with was our turn. I sat there with this other lady, waiting for our other halves to come back into the room. They did one by one, Both still groggy and half asleep. Suddenly a doctor came in, first to this other couple. I heard the convo and the lady started crying. They both did and she crawled in bed with her husband.

Then was our turn. They said there was zero sperm. Even though my boyfriend wasn't fully awake I saw through my wet eyes tears rolling on his face. It was the first time I saw him crying. It was also the first time I really saw that he wanted this for us. He wanted kids. But our dream got scattered. After a while I felt unwell, I threw up in the bathroom. His brother came in to pick us up. It took us a while to leave as my boyfriend wasn't well enough because of the medicine he got for the surgery. But we finally left in the evening. I threw up in the car and again once at home.

We had only two options. Two options for us, if we wanted to go ahead with having kids it was either adoption, but this was already a big no for him. But if we had to, we would have done it. The other option was going ahead with a sperm donor. After a few weeks, recovery was not going well going well and we first had to sit and talk with a psychologist. This was a part of the grief of not being able to have kids as planned, and for giving a green light to go ahead with a donor. We were ready. At least was. My boys was physically recovering but I was so ready for the next move. I wanted us to have a child. I wanted to be pregnant. This kid, our kid had to happen. We would have this family of our own. Somehow.

The first IVF with donor was a successful one. The day my period should begin I had some blood. I was bleeding and I was crap. But I did take pregnancy test. It was positive. I couldn't believe it. I was pregnant!!

Long story short, I had a perfect pregnancy and enjoyed every moment. The birth itself was with an unplanned c-section, which was fine to me. It went so fast since they said we had to do it.

I met our girl 2 hours later but I didn't feel anything. I wasn't overwhelmed, I wasn't crying of happiness. I didn't feel a bond. But she got dehydrated because my milk supply wasn't there yet. We didn't know what was going on yet when she had high fever so they took her away for the rest of the week. I only saw her when they brought her to me for a feed or when I wanted to see her but she wasn't full-time with me in the room. That first day I cried my eyes out. Scared for our girl. The love for her was in me but I just didn't know that until then.

She's now 18 months and the past months have been amazing, yet tiring.

There's a lot I didn't know. There's a lot I never heard anyone tell you about babies and their sleep. About awake times. About leaps. About growth spurts. And there's a lot people say you should try with the best intentions though but here we are. A family of three. We're complete.